From zero to hero

Wish to share this article by Tessie Lim (NST October 11, 2009).

If I'd learned Neuro-Semantics much earlier, its communication strategies might have helped me save my marriage.

This psychology emphasises that all our feelings result from our thoughts and attitudes and, when we can change the way we think, we can change the way we feel and behave.

"You NEVER listen!" "You ALWAYS humiliate me in front of our friends." When we fight, we're focused on the negative aspects of the person we are fighting with.

Frustrated, we often say things we regret - that only serves to drive the other person further away. Solution? If we want our partner to love and admire us, we should acquire the skills to protect our relationship, right?

Before I wised up, I assumed all couples want to be close, just that some don't know how.

Now I know that some people choose conflict and hostility because it's far more appealing to them than making peace with the one they're fighting with.

That's right. We don't get along because we don't really want to.

May be bullying turns some men on and makes them feel like a winner. Perhaps some men's need for power and control are greater than their desire for intimacy and tenderness.

They could actually find aggression and dominating gratifying. their troubled marriages may actually be a source of excitement and self-esteem.

These probably insist on calling all the shots and won't take their wives' ideas or feelings into account. If wives don't do things their way, they get very huffy.

Many women avoid conflict by trying o smooth things out as quickly as possible. Eager to preserve peace at home, we sweep our feelings under the rug and play martyr.

But each one of us has far more power than we think to transform our troubles - if we're willing to stop complaining, blaming and to focus on changing ourselves.

However, self examination is painful...it's hard to admit that we're wrong or that we've fallen short in someone's eyes. especially when we care about the person who's criticising us and we sense that they could be right. Feeling like a failure shrivels the soul.

Guilt and shame are huge barriers to intimacy. Don't we all have a deep-rooted need to feel admired and respected?

The ugly truth is, we provoke and maintain the exact relationship problems that we complain about when we deny our own role in the conflict.

"Why should I change?"

Well, what do you want more - the spoils of battle, or the rewards of a close, loving relationship? Actually we can respond any way we want. It just depends on the kind of life we're after.

Intimacy comes at a price. It requires humility and willingness to examine our own failures in the relationship. Intimacy is when two people are willing to be vulnerable and share their innermost self with each other.

Open, positive dialogue builds intimacy and this type of communications need three things.

First, you have to be able to express yourself.

Second, you have to be able to listen non-defensively when your partner talks.

Third, you have to treat your partner with respect, even when you are angry or frustrated.

The paradox is, when we're afraid to acknowledge the truth in what the other person is saying, their negative feelings will escalate and they'll usually attack more intensely.

If we find some truth in their criticism, it takes the wind out of their sails and we usually end up reconciling.

We don't really have to agree with the criticism in a lateral way, just with the spirit of what the other person is saying.

The idea is everyone wants to feel validated when they're upset. So work to disarm...our goal is seldom to fix the problem but simply to demonstrate that we genuinely want to understand how our partner feels.

We may think we know how they feel, but often we don't. And if we make them feel right, it will be far easier for them to lower their defences and be more complimentary with us.

If your marriage lacks passion and intimacy, would you settle for the status quo, let the relationship rot, or work to make it better? Statistics show that the first option is most popular.

However people who are willing to assume personal responsibility for solving problems in their relationships and who feel a strong commitment to making their partners happy, not only report the most satisfying and loving relationships, but their positive feelings seem to increase over time.

So will you go from zero to hero?